Ice King knows how to make a girl go Ahh!
by Beloved Psychopath
Summary: The Ice King is quite the social phenom, with the widest range of expertise in the opposite sex. Wink, wink. ;)


Disclaimer: Adventure Time is not a creation of mine, but no worries, my lawyers are working overtime to prove that it is. Here's a little something from the king of _love_.

Ice King knows how to make a girl go Ahh!

Number 1: Kidnap her.

(Statistically speaking, this a very good way to know the ladies.)

Number 2: Lock her up.

-Preferably a cage, but a room will do. And a cupboard. And a dungeon. And an attic. Even a cardboard box. Suitcases for those who are always on the go.

Bottomless pits are not advisable for... um... Obvious reasons, unless -you know- that's your thing. And you're not really there to "capture" their heart. Ensure enclosement is LOCKED.

Number 3: Isolate her.

-This one speaks for its self.

Number 4: Don't respect their space.

This is reasonable and very easy to follow. If you have done steps 1-3, then you are on the right path.

Respecting their space ensures their undying/highly held admiration. Funny thing there- it doesn't work. Believe me, I've tried.

Number 5: Stalk, don't follow.

You see, following them around (in plain view) is bound to fail and kills any hope of intimacy. Ask Gunther- he's still dateless. And in plain view you can't follow them -almost- anywhere, that's where stalking comes in.

Stalking is supposed to be a very unattractive quality, but what do they know. Girls love it when you're knowledgeable and mysterious. (Good thing the only vampire around is female.)

Number 6: NEVER hypnotize them!

This a common mistake many make with varying amounts of success at first, before it becomes a crashing failure. One the problems of using hypnotism -apart from the fact that it can be easily broken- is that the relationship is a lie.

(Other forms of mind control are better.)

Number 7: Have your dates at home.

(Ladies are big spenders and normally suckers for candle lit dinners. So remember to whip up something in the kitchen (or order something on the downlow).

Manacles, handcuffs and chains might not be a good idea if you wish to win her love, so ensure she eats her food within the enclosement. Plastic cutlery only.

Number 8: Take her places.

One sure way to impress the ladies is by having (or appearing to have) a jaded worldwide experience and have been to many distant places with completely different cultures -pretend parties don't count. This makes you to seem exotic, knowledgeable, daring and experienced. Taking her places appears to prove all that (for some weird reason). So take her somewhere exotic (I live in a frozen kingdom, so I have it easier than most, baby!), but don't forget number 3. So show her the bathroom or something... Oh, and don't forget the toilet.

Number 9: Show an emotional side. In short, angst! Baby, angst!

Girls want to see your emotions, hear you talk about your dark and dreary feelings that are usually hidden from sight but they know are there (sheesh, vampires), nothing wows them more than an emotionally grim, tragic backstory. So the secret to this is... Fake it! Or rather dig into your past and grossly exaggerate your saddest moments. Angst, baby, angst!

Number 10: Listen to her.

Being a good listener is very important. I know, I know, you don't expect this from me, but it's true. Listen her opinions and views... Her likes and dislikes... Her dreams and aspirations... Her interests and hobbies... And gag her when she wouldn't shut up, or stop screaming for help.

Number 11: Entertain her. Be entertaining.

This were you reveal your talented and charming personality. I'm a wiz with drums and can absolutely shred it on a piano. I can rock an electric guitar and I'm not to bad in the singing department. I'm also rather good at making and telling stories, as well as being an ice wizard who lives with penguins. The keyword is unique. (Plus it's much cheaper than outside entertainment.)

Number 12: Maintain personal hygiene!

Brush her teeth, bathe her (if necessary). You can't have her stinking up the places can you? Personal hygiene is everything.

Number 13: Be mysterious.

This is a big one, number 5 shows you how. Always maintain an air of mystery. Appear knowledgeable of things you shouldn't know. Stand in the opposite direction that the wind is blowing (or carry your own personal battery or magic operated portable fan strategically out of sight) for dramatic effect. Have a low, thoughtful voice, appear and vanish suddenly in mysterious ways. Keep them guessing, move in mysterious ways! Girls suckers for mysterious guys. Besides, this helps numbers 1 and 2 to be looked at in more favorable light.

Vampires have it down to pat, it's the price they paid by being unable to stand direct sunlight. Thank glob Marceline is not a romantic threat to my princess collection and hard earned status as a social phenom.

Number 14: Set the right mood.

(That means mood lighting, candlelit dinners and a really good bedroom voice. Pick "romantic" meals and let her know she's welcome. Note: Not everyone likes to eat with background music, so unless you know for certain that she does, it might be best not to. Follow numbers 6, 7, 9, 10 and 13, and it'll be a success.)

Number 15: Be spontaneous!

Avoid being predictable and "too mysterious". Don't be boring. Spice up your romance! Surprise her! Power goes to the unpredictable one. In fact, be crazy! Keep her locked up, but let her see you having fun! Introduce her to the "other women"! Suddenly kidnap her! Let her know more about you at the sometime as less! Don't do this all the time or it will lose effect. Ladies love a spontaneous guy.

Number 16: Subtlety Is Everything

Sometimes... it's best she doesn't know that you two (or more) are dating (or even presently on a date). Then BOOM! Tell her! They never see it coming! Number 15, baby, number 15! (I believe that this' what they call a "surprise relationship" or an "unexpected romantic burden"). Make sure you always have an _exit plan_, some girls don't take to subtlety.

T'is all from this lady killer, use my tips well and you'll be beating hordes of them back with a stick. And a pillow. And a baseball bat. And a shovel. Trust me.

Peace.

P.S: Romantic walks are overstated. There's too much room for escape, and you will be doing all the walking.


End file.
